Oh boy, Australian author Nikki Gemmell writes for me. Well for me and many many women. First page and I’m thinking “Yes! This is me, this was me, this is still me”.

There is a synchronicity perhaps that ‘Dissolve’ was written in 2021, a year that was one of my emotionally worst years. 2021, 2022, I wish I’d read this then…maybe. Or perhaps I needed it before it was written, let me remember, 2008, yes, or 2010, or 2005? Or? So many years…

1981 was the first time a Manager told me I would NEVER succeed because I didn’t fit. I was twenty five years old and a Manager for several fashion brands in the very hip and trendy store Sportsgirl in Adelaide. I was being groomed at that time to be their youngest Store Manager when a new location opened. Unfortunately for me and inconveniently for Sportsgirl I went through an emotional time in my personal life which saw me take time off to travel home to Tasmania. Added to this I refused to sack a female member of my sales team for not getting the regrowth on her hair done (she couldn’t afford it at the time but she was a beautiful soul and did a good job selling shoes). The staff member was sacked. I was sacked, standing in front of my boss - he sat behind his desk. Instant dismissal, no grounds needed other than being me (a me with apparently no future). I was humiliated, distressed, jobless. I went home to Tasmania. Oh but before I did I engaged in a little self-destructive behaviour by taking off with an American Racing Car driver on tour for a month. No it did not end well but that’s another story.

When I think more, I am an over-thinker, I remember so many times in my working life including my professional career when I was put in my place, outed for being too different from my peers, not conforming to expectations, assertiveness perceived as an inflated sense of self worth. Imposter Syndrome was not a term I knew in the first twenty years of my career, standing up standing out was seen as having too much ego, an inflated sense self worth. Me I had low self worth but could carry off confidence really well. In fact my confidence bordered on self destructiveness so strong was my internal rage against societal expectations of me to fit in. My personal life mirrored by professional life I just couldn’t stop expressing my needs my thoughts my opinions my observations, I always wanted everything. I still do. I wanted the freedom and the power and the choices men had. I wanted to be heard not just seen. Men generally liked me, as long as I played their game, I was good at getting what I wanted. Some women though felt threatened by me some wanted to be like me. I was always a bit of an outsider, I rarely felt that I fitted in a team. During my years in retail, hospitality and advertising women generally supported each other, sexual harassment went with the job and sometimes we used that to our advantage. Yes that happened, we put up with unwanted behaviours to get the shifts, the tips, or the creative work. It sucked. And it still happens.

When I moved to the Corporate Sector and particularly working in State and Federal Government positions the workplace harassment behaviours continued but less so. I had a University Education by then and I was more aware of my rights, my own power. The harassment though shifted to bullying. Women bosses bully more than sexually harass but they do that too. Women in power often hold onto that power more tightly than men. Maybe for women positions of power are harder won and therefore more aggressively defended, women though are often passively aggressive and that knife in your back, well it comes in many forms. Men are often predictable, easier to read. Women are far more skilled at manipulation and hiding their true intentions. Men might have made the rules for most of my life but women have enforced those rules or used them to suit themselves.

When I was younger I wanted to be a journalist, probably a photo journalist, a writer, I wanted to write about people, a social story columnist of sorts, I studied Journalism mid way through my Social Work career. I still want to write and oh my word (no pun intended) I have so many stories to share. Writing for me involves a mix of opinion, fiction, and fact, it’s taking a risk and putting myself out there. Why bother I wonder. It’s easier to shut up than shout out but I want to. I really want to use my words to show all those women keeping quiet, behaving as expected, putting up with being put down that you don’t have to.

I had coffee with a friend recently, and it happened as it often does, there are no accidents with timing right, I was having a challenging morning. As I dumped my distress on her (she would say shared not dumped) my friend suggested Bali. Now Bali always sounds like a good idea to me and has long been part of a plan to rest, reflect and write. I regularly want to write, blog, put my thoughts out there. Something holds me back though and it’s not just an experience I had when my words on social media were used against me. Is it my fear of not being good enough? Imposter Syndrome? I think so. It’s time though to practice some of what I preach to my clients, to step into the discomfort and just do it.

What’s the worst that can happen? No-one reads it? I will have found my voice again though and that would be great. Actually I am already now, I’m publishing this my first blog in a long time.

If I can do it so can you dear reader ❤️

See, a few pages of #NikkiGemmell and I’m all inspired again 💖

Inspired to be myself (again)